Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood
7 Practices of Highly Effective Martial Artists
Dr. Covey’s 5th Habit of Highly Effective People is Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood.
It is perhaps the most elusive and difficult of the 7 Habits.
Red Belt…
Everyone wants to be understood.
In fact, being understood is one of our deepest psychological and emotional needs.
Our desire to understand others is not always high on our hierarchy of importance.
Most of our perceptions are driven by preconceived notions.
To save time, and avoid frustration, we often jump to conclusions.
Pattern recognition serves us well, but it has its own limitations and disadvantages.
In fact, at this very moment, you might be thinking to yourself:
“That isn’t true!”
“He doesn’t know what he is talking about.”
“I always try to…”
Well, guess what?
If you are reacting this way, you are doing it right now.
You have not read the entire post, and you are drawing conclusions prematurely.
The effectiveness of this approach is pathetically poor at best, and incredibly insulting at worst.
While pattern recognition is a crucial skill, its predictive power is not perfect.
Assumptions can lead to ruptured relationships.
If we do not take the time to listen, we delude ourselves into relying on the accuracy of our prejudgments.
Then hypocrisy sets in.
“Some people are so judgmental, I can tell just by looking at them.”
When we take the time to listen, with the sincere intention of gaining understanding, incredible things can happen.
If you have confidence in your ideas and beliefs, you are more willing and able to hear the thoughts and views of others.
If you are afraid that you may be influenced by the thinking of someone else, you will probably try to overwhelm them with your opinions.
I am not suggesting that you remain silent, listening to the complete manifesto of everyone you meet.
I personally believe that we not only have the “right” to free speech, we also have a “responsibility” to communicate effectively.
Habit 5 does not minimize our need to be understood, it simply acknowledges that everyone else shares that requirement.
It is immeasurably beneficial to practice the lost art of listening.
Listening is both art and science, when it comes to human interaction.
Interestingly, we are able to sit for hours, watching and listening to the radio, television, movies, videos, etc.
We do this in virtual silence, respectfully, if not hypnotically, absorbing the “thinking” of whoever is speaking.
Do you ever find yourself looking at your phone, watching short videos on social media platforms, for more time than you want to acknowledge or admit?
You may be doing it right now.
Doom scrolling is a common phenomenon.
Ironically, we get around the people who are closest to us, and we have a hard time letting them complete a sentence, as they attempt to fully express their thoughts.
Perhaps we find ourselves pretending to listen until it is our turn to speak.
Dr. Covey calls this the “dialogue of the deaf.”
Have you ever noticed how closely and empathetically you listen to someone after a crisis or a tragedy?
Do you realize that poor communication is often the reason why challenges grow out of control, and become tragic?
How is that for a paradox?
Think about the nature of the Sempai/Kohai relationship in the Martial Arts.
It encourages the junior practitioner to study the examples set by the senior practitioner.
We encourage the junior student to understand what the senior students are able to do.
We also recommend that the seniors study the juniors.
We are immersed in an environment of interdependence the moment we begin our journey in the Martial Arts.
“Follow with the understanding that you will eventually lead. Lead with the understanding that you will inevitably follow.”
Anonymous
Consider the Uke/Tori dynamic, which you are intimately acquainted with through your serious study in the Dojo.
The Uke receives the technique from the Tori.
Then the roles are reversed.
It is not a battle of who “goes first.”
In fact, mutual understanding is far more important than the sequence.
In other words, someone usually has to “go” first.
When in doubt, try to be the first one who does the listening.
I have a feeling that you will not be met with any resistance.
“Be careful how you treat people on your way up, because you will probably meet them again on your way down.”
Wilson Mizner
Red Belt is the rank of receptivity.
Listening, as an art form, is not entirely extinct, but it is certainly endangered.
Try practicing Habit 5 for the next 72 hours.
You may find this exercise frustrating, but what you learn from others, and learn about yourself will be interesting, if not invaluable.
Stay tuned for Habit 6, in a few days.